Heartbreak comes rolling in like a storm, sooner or later.
Girls and boys keep lining up to see if they can measure up
And they look good and they feel wild but it will never be enough
You say you’re really hurting, at least you’re feeling something,
We can hope and we can pray that everything will work out fine,
But you can’t just stay down on your knees
The revolution is outside
You wanna make a difference, get out and go and get it
Get out and go and get it.
“It’s not ‘clever lonely’ (like Morrissey) or ‘interesting lonely’ (like Radiohead); it’s ‘lonely lonely,’ like the way it feels when you’re being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder.” – Chuck Klosterman
One of the worst feelings in the world would be the one you get from an insincere exchange. The kind that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The kind that makes you second guess your relationship with the person you were talking to. The kind that leaves you with a reality you try to avoid, one you don’t want to face – that you aren’t really friends with someone.
Maybe our definition of ‘friend’ differs. Here’s mine, for clarification. Friend: Someone you care about, who you don’t simply tolerate. Someone who has your back, and who tries their best to secure your best interests. Someone who keeps you around not as a utilizable pawn, but just because they enjoy your company and they value your insights.
Few things are more tiring than having to earn friendship and according to my definition, any relationship similar to friendship that requires earning is a waste of everyone’s time. I suppose that if you’re trying to ‘earn’ or feel the need to ‘keep’ someone’s ‘friendship’, they’re probably toxic friends that you might be better off without. At least then you can focus on the people who really do love you – the ones who keep you around not because they expect you to be of any use to them or to give them anything, with the exception of hugs and listening ears, plus the occasional wake up call.
The question prevails. Would you rather have a hundred fake friends, or one genuine one? What if the choice was between fake friends and none?
Which would be less emotionally taxing? Perhaps having none, because then at least you won’t have to lie to yourself.
Everyone has a hierarchy of friends. You’ll have your 1, 2 or 3 closest friends that you spill your soul to, followed by a group of ‘inner circle’ friends that you tell about interesting things that happen and who generally know what’s going on in your life, the friends you can hang out with and that you have a laugh with occasionally, and finally, the acquaintances that you know next to nothing about.
The thing about the hierarchy, is that no one wants to be on the outskirts. No one wants to be the one that’s left out of private talks, or walks. No one wants to be the one out of the loop. I mean, sitting at the lunch table and having people talk about something you’re totally unaware of while you’re just sitting there confused, isn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a good time. Especially when these people are friends you consider to be somewhat close to you, and you actually give a shit about what goes on in their life.
Then there are occasions where friends know they’re keeping something from you – they may not be out to do it, but that’s what it feels like anyway – and you can’t help but wonder to yourself, “Am I just not as important to them? Why does this other person warrant their trust and why don’t I?” I mean, I sound like a whiny brat, but come on, everyone feels like that once in a while.
I beg, implore and plead with those who consider themselves my friends – if you’re purposely not telling me something, or there’s something you’re telling other people in our group of friends (a group that’s supposed to be close), and not me, have the decency to not let me know about it. Because nothing feels better (sarcasm for the denser ones) than having someone dangle a secret in front of you, and not tell you about it when you ask.
It’s just a flashing red neon sign going, “THIS PERSON DOES NOT TRUST YOU. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY. YOU WERE NEVER IMPORTANT,” or even “THIS PERSON IS KEEPING SOMETHING FROM YOU BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT.” It really just makes me question the foundation of our friendship.
The fact is that if it bothers me, it means I care (maybe even too much). And I know I’m guilty of leaving people out of things too, but I’ll try not to. If you ask me something, chances are you’ll get your answer. Because damn it, I know how it hurts like a bitch to know someone doesn’t feel as close to you as you are to them.
TIME TO STUDY FOR PROMOS.
Trying not to love you only went so far. Trying not to need you was tearing me apart. Now I see the silver lining from what we’re fighting for, and if we just keep on trying, we could be much more. ‘Cause trying not to love you-
only makes me love you more.
This is a continuation from the previous post.
Oh, the number of times I’ve felt like I was sucked dry. Dry, from trying to be that friend that everyone could confide in; from putting everyone else’s happiness above my own. I felt like if I didn’t make everyone else happy, I was by default a bad person, or just a bad friend. This went on for a really really long time, and I would even lie to my friends and sugar coat things for them, so they wouldn’t get upset. But really, trying to be that friend gets no one anywhere.
People will take you for granted. You will feel under-appreciated. And in the end, you’ll start to feel bitter. While you may think you can hide it, it will eat away at your heart and eventually the venom will seep slowly into your exchanges. Your friends, instead of realizing that what you need is their appreciation or just general concern, will think there’s something wrong with you. And all because you felt like you were responsible for their happiness.
You’re not. You are not their provider of joy. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are also not responsible for their misery or their sadness or their grief. But let me clarify.
This doesn’t mean that you can treat people any way you want, well, I mean…you could. Though I doubt anyone would want to be your friend if they’re treated poorly. Be the friend you want people to be for you, yet don’t expect it of them. When you offer someone something, don’t be surprised if they don’t return the favor.
So yes. Ask your friends what’s bothering them when they seem down. Let them know that you are there for them, and that you have their backs. Spend time with them, let them know their friendship is valued. Love them, and tell them lovingly when they’ve made a mistake.
And that’s where the line needs to be drawn. Being someone’s friend is not and should not be the full-time job of keeping someone happy 24/7. You can’t do that. Everyone will have, and is even entitled to really bad days. There is only so much you can do for someone. The point of being friends with someone isn’t to be their magical problem solver, because most of the time, you won’t have the answer either.
All this is just what I think, but really, I feel that being someone’s friend is about just being there to hold their hand when they’re lost or going through a tough time, while letting them go through the experience, because I mean – experiences like that really do build a person’s character as long as they handle it well – and in the event that they don’t handle it well, simply being there to let them know that someone loves them is really all you can do.
I’ve said this before. It’s easy to be sad. It’s easy to just stay in that pit. It’s easy to despair. It’s easy to think of everything bad that has happened, especially when it has happened over and over and over and over and over.
It’s easy to think of everyone who’s let you down. It’s easy to never allow yourself to be happy, since setbacks happen all the time. Setbacks that have the potential to completely break you. After all, the only constant is the very absolute absence of any others.
This is especially true when other people are involved. People change, right? Sometimes not in a way that you can accept. I’m good at being alone. I’m good at standing on my own two feet. I’m good at that. I’m good at being isolated, even though I’m not completely alone. I have really really really good friends. It’s the very delicate art of letting people in while still keeping them at arm’s length. I’m terrified of finding that I need someone. I cannot stand the thought of ever needing someone who isn’t there for me.
I really can’t tell if that’s a bad thing. But anyway, I digress.
…Y’know what’s difficult? Telling yourself to snap out of it. Telling yourself the world doesn’t owe you anything, that no one owes you your happiness, and that the only person that can make you happy is you. It’s difficult to fight back when slipping into numbness and self-inflicted isolation is an alternative that’s always so readily available. It’s hard to tell yourself you deserve better, because maybe you really just don’t believe you’re worth it.
Maybe if you’re confident enough in your own identity, and really really believe in yourself and even love yourself, maybe then the setbacks don’t matter. Maybe then you can still be happy amidst chaos and tribulations.
Yeah so last week was a pretty rough week. And it got me thinking – do I blame the condition, or is it just that I’m not confident and I don’t believe in myself, or that I don’t love myself. Right now, I still don’t really know which of the two it was. And I suppose that’s fine.
And with that, I shall end with an appropriate quote that is irrelevant to the main body of what I’ve written. Enjoy.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke