I’ve said this before. It’s easy to be sad. It’s easy to just stay in that pit. It’s easy to despair. It’s easy to think of everything bad that has happened, especially when it has happened over and over and over and over and over.
It’s easy to think of everyone who’s let you down. It’s easy to never allow yourself to be happy, since setbacks happen all the time. Setbacks that have the potential to completely break you. After all, the only constant is the very absolute absence of any others.
This is especially true when other people are involved. People change, right? Sometimes not in a way that you can accept. I’m good at being alone. I’m good at standing on my own two feet. I’m good at that. I’m good at being isolated, even though I’m not completely alone. I have really really really good friends. It’s the very delicate art of letting people in while still keeping them at arm’s length. I’m terrified of finding that I need someone. I cannot stand the thought of ever needing someone who isn’t there for me.
I really can’t tell if that’s a bad thing. But anyway, I digress.
…Y’know what’s difficult? Telling yourself to snap out of it. Telling yourself the world doesn’t owe you anything, that no one owes you your happiness, and that the only person that can make you happy is you. It’s difficult to fight back when slipping into numbness and self-inflicted isolation is an alternative that’s always so readily available. It’s hard to tell yourself you deserve better, because maybe you really just don’t believe you’re worth it.
Maybe if you’re confident enough in your own identity, and really really believe in yourself and even love yourself, maybe then the setbacks don’t matter. Maybe then you can still be happy amidst chaos and tribulations.
Yeah so last week was a pretty rough week. And it got me thinking – do I blame the condition, or is it just that I’m not confident and I don’t believe in myself, or that I don’t love myself. Right now, I still don’t really know which of the two it was. And I suppose that’s fine.
And with that, I shall end with an appropriate quote that is irrelevant to the main body of what I’ve written. Enjoy.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke