“Do you ever get the feeling that you’re missing the mark?”

Results are coming out in two days. I have all this suppressed emotion; all these thoughts that I’ve pushed to the back of my head, so that I don’t have to think or feel anything about it. There’s really no point speculating. What substantial comfort can I get from guessing how well or badly I did? For a while, I felt like it wouldn’t be the end of my world even if I don’t do so well. That calm feeling was replaced with apprehension and worry after dinner. 

They care. My worth is pinned to my grades. Not in how smart I am, but in how hard I worked, in how mature I am to have put in sufficient effort. I know I didn’t study very hard. Do I regret it? I really don’t. 

I simply got very tired of living my life to meet expectations. I’m exhausted of trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. I’m much more interested in living my life by more important terms. 

Something I’ve constantly struggled with is following God and putting Him first. It’s even more difficult because I’ve been told I’m supposed to worry and that I’m supposed to have more important priorities. 

Well, I just don’t agree. I don’t think I have to have a billion back-up plans, or straight As, or a perfect education. 

I get that they’re looking out for me. I get that education is important. See the term used here is “education”, not “good grades”. I don’t think good grades are or should be a mark of how capable I am. Straight As are literally just letters on a piece of paper. Sure, they might get your foot in the door, but what then? What’s the point in getting excellent grades and subsequently a well-paying job if the trade off is quality time with your family, friends, everything that is important to you? I don’t want to be a mindless, lifeless drone. 

I’m intending on managing my time more effectively this year. I’m intending on allocating sufficient time to my studies. I don’t need to do extremely well, I just need to have tried my best within reason


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