I Am A Follower, Not A Leader.

After all the MUN prep, I’ve come to realise that I greatly dislike being in-charge. It’s so trying. I mean, how does one balance between giving people things to do, and taking into account what they already have on their plate? What if their plates are all full? Do you do everything yourself? What if your own plate is full?

I’m so tired. And not the emotional kind. 

I am quite literally just physically exhausted. 

Running around on an average of one meal a day, needing to think about 30 things at once, having to chase other people to get what they have to get done. 

I need to sleep.

 

 

 

For a decade. 

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It’s k.

Exams start tomorrow, yay!

I’m more prepared for this exam than any of my other school-based exams like the ones I had in Crescent, but I am unprepared nonetheless. Ah well, I’ll just see how it goes and hope for the best.

So JC has brought a lot of changes for me. One of them being the fact that I’ve never been in a “clique” or group or whatever. And I mean, I struggled with it for a while, because it’s hard when your group of friends mainly come from the same class, that you aren’t in. But I’ve learned to deal.

I think something I’ve understood from all this is that depth of relationships just cannot be forced. If someone wants to confide in you, great. If they don’t, so be it. Trying to be involved in everything just makes you miserable, because you’ll never be part of every single exchange, or know every detail.

I figure the best I can do is to just enjoy the company, and if ever someone does need a listening ear, to lend one. 

 

Fingers and toes and eyes crossed that I won’t completely KO tomorrow during lit/econs. 

I Am A Child.

As a kid, I would sit at the dining table with my parents, trying to participate in the conversation by saying things that I thought sounded adult-like, and have them go along, obviously just trying to protect my feelings.

As a 17 year old, I realize, I still feel like everyone around me is doing the same. Math class is a pain in the ass, because I know I’m terrible at it, and so does everyone else. When a problem has to be solved, the ‘adults’ who are better at it go to work, and I pretend I’m not bothered by it. I exclude myself, because I know I hold everyone else back from getting to the answer. In math class, I am the child who is heard, but not listened to. Whenever I say something, everyone dismisses it, and in the event that I actually am right, everyone is surprised.

Even me.

Gah, I hate math class so much.

I can just feel the spotlight of disapproval glaring down at me. Unceasing, relentless.

And the worst part of it all, is that I know it’s all in my head. That I’m over-thinking.

That there’s just no way out of this wretched labyrinth and I am tired of trying to find an exit..

The Weight of Tiny Things

It’s just one thing.

On top of the other,

On top of the other,

On top of the other.

Just one tiny thing.

On top of a billion other

Tiny things.

You don’t give a drowning man

More water.

Not even a drop.

Drop.

Many tiny things.

Drop one and everything explodes in your face.

Face.

My fears, too many expectations to live up to.

Face failure? I am too afraid.

Too.

Many tiny things.

TOO MANY TINY THINGS, DAMNIT.

 

 

 

 

tick

tick

tick

 

 

 

… … …kaboom.

Hurricane.

Life has been such a whirlwind ever since 2013 started.

School life has been great – I can’t imagine a better learning environment, plus doing the IB in SJI is probably the system I’m most inclined towards, at least in Singapore. My teachers are truly, truly fabulous, and always encouraging. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made. I love that we have a small cohort.

CAS is pretty taxing, and I’m really worried about the MUN conference at the end of the year. There’s just so much to do, and I don’t really know how to juggle everything sometimes…the only way I get through it all is to just not think about it as much as I can. The same can be said for EE and Math Exploration – I know I should be starting work, yet I just have so much to think about I don’t even know how to begin.

It’s September now.

Where did the time go?

Life is going by so quickly, I rarely have the chance to stop and reflect on everything that has happened. It just feels like someone hit the fast-forward button. Minutes become seconds, hours become minutes, days become hours, months become days – and before I know it, the year will be over.

I don’t know what I want to do. I’ve never been so clueless about my path. I suppose there’s a certain beauty in that – having the freedom to explore options – one only afforded to students who have yet to get to university.

The window is closing. If the rest of JC is going to fly by as fast as the last few months, I don’t exactly have a lot of think-time left.

I just need some time to just collect my thoughts.

So much has happened this year, but it also feels like February through to today has only been the equivalent of two weeks.

Here comes the hurricane,

Here comes the hurricane.